Ugly emotions

I know it’s just 5 days until w-day, but I think we’ll talk about relationships today. Or personal dealings with relationships. I’ve lately been talking to a few ladies that I’ve met through the internet, and they all seem to have the same thing on their minds: negative feelings.

Have you ever noticed how the wedding media (blogs, articles, magazines, etc) seems to ignore the middle spectrum of relationships? Relationships are not the little girl who had a little curl right in the center of her forehead. Sometime you can still be right for each other even if you resent the hell out of him/her sometimes. The most obvious example is a girl who is waiting* for a proposal. Like I did. When you are waiting, every moment that passes without that proposal feel like a rejection. No one like feeling unwanted.

There are a lot of emotions in that time (and for sure, they apply to other times in your life), and sometimes they are really horrible ones. I didn’t want to own them. I didn’t want them to be mine. Who likes to associate negative things with themselves?  So when the bad times came, when I wasn’t my best self, I took them. Everything I hated about myself at that time and I made it his fault.  I took my rejected and ugly emotions and I made ugly pictures of him in my head. To be clear, I’m not ascribing fault to either of us in this situation. I’m ascribing humanity. We were both selfish, we were both selfless. Neither of us had malicious intent. 

All of this to say, sometimes, it’s ok to really feel bad things about someone as important and your partner, as long as you recognize where they come from… and don’t punish that person because of them.

Here I am, 5 days out from getting a different ring, and I can still remember they way I felt waiting on the one I have now. The proposal didn’t invalidate any of the emotions I had before. I still feel them as real and honest. I don’t continue to resent, but I don’t see those past feelings as silly.

*yes, yes I know a woman doesn’t have to wait and can propose to her man, but that doesn’t work for everyone, ok?

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2 Comments »

  1. Jo said

    Yay five days! You’re kicking butt, lady!

    Very astute post.

  2. brittany said

    Thanks for this, very enlightening. You put words to the emotions I have been feeling from time to time (I got engaged at Christmas, but I can’t help regret how whiny I was while waiting for him to pop the question) thanks again!

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